I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
