nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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