I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
