saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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