my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
