My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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