This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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