I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You are a genius and a whore.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
