I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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