now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
