I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
