hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
