on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
