The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
