mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
