Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Randomize
