So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
