make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
