Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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