He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
