there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
