thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
