Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
