So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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