All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
