Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
