Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
