Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
