party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
