Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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