I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
