i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
