Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
