you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
