Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
