Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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