I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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