break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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