so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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