my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
