I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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