sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
