so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
