I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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