Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
