my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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