i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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