Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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