I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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