Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
