it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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