I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
