she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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