I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
