She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
