well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
